The Turkey Sandwich Incident

  
Does anyone remember when manufacturers started packaging mayonnaise in plastic jars? I suppose it seemed like a good idea at the time, like getting rid of whitewall tires, but after today I’d like to go back to a simpler era (whenever that was) when mayonnaise came in good ol’ fashioned glass jars. Back then when you dropped a jar it broke like it was supposed to; the mayo oozed out, and the whole mess stayed on the floor where it belonged for easy clean up. But you can kiss those fun times good-bye because now mayonnaise is packaged in plastic NASA designed mayonnaise launching containers.

That’s right “launching containers.” Today while making a turkey sandwich I accidentally knocked a newly opened 30 oz. launcher of Kraft Light Mayo off the edge of the kitchen counter, and before I could react a physical chain reaction demonstrable by a mathematical equation had been set into motion, and there wasn’t a darn thing I could do about it. Now in the good ol’ days that equation would have been (Mayo + Glass) x Gravity = Splat. But noooo! …now we have to do the “new math.”

What happened today was: As the 30 ounces of mayo accelerated towards the floor, the jar’s aerodynamic design automatically tilted the tiny craft to the optimum launch angle of approximately 60°. Then at T-minus .2 seconds the lid was ejected in preparation for launch. Upon impact the bottom crumple-zone of the launch vessel instantly reduced the capacity of the 30 ounce jar by a good 8 to 10 ounces. Mathematically speaking, the now 20 ounce jar, still containing 30 ounces of mayo, could only do one thing.

Unable to get out of the blast zone in time, I could only watch in horror as the mayonnaise meteorite hurtled skyward. Now in deep space a mayonnaise meteorite can orbit for eons, but within the confines of a modern American kitchen with its heavy atmosphere and all, these things tend to sputter out in short order …but not without leaving an impressive path of destruction (called mayonnaisation) in their wakes. This one for example managed to hurl mayo across my pants, shirt, in my hair, all over several cabinet doors and drawer fronts, the range, refrigerator, countertops, toaster, coffee maker, curtains, window, table, light fixtures, ceiling, floor, and various other kitchen items …and a little, just a little, just enough, landed on my sandwich.