Thursday, April 23, 2015

Scratched Vinyl

I lowered the needle to the record,
carefully.
Bobby Pickett’s name tumbled,
like pants in a dryer;
circling round and around,
on the plastic turntable.

“I was working in the lab late one night,”
it began.
And The Monster Mash tumbled
like bones from the speaker,
filling my bedroom with sound,
at 45 RPMs.

Then it did what it always did. ...It skipped!
“He opened,”
“He opened, He opened,” ...Smack!
“the lid and shook his fist
and said, ‘Whatever happened
to my Transylvania twist?’"

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Sea-Change

The tide may finally be turning,
but the lives of black men
who died unjustly in our streets,
and in the death row gallows of America,
will never be recovered,
from the sea of bigotry
that washed them away,
like so much driftwood.
The best we can do now,
is walk to the water’s edge,
and seek to make amends.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Cooking with Moody - St. Patrick’s Day Edition:

Well it’s that time of year again... Tis the season when a bunch of non-Irish people are about to try their hands at some traditional Irish cooking. If you’re one of them my friend, this article is for you. Now whether your plan is to create an entire St. Patty’s Day feast, or you just need to show up at the Thompson’s potluck with a respectable dish, here are a few tips you’ll need to know. First of all: Corned beef and cabbage is not a traditional Irish dish. Sorry. I realize that just eliminated 90% of your ideas, but if you’re goal is to serve authentic Irish fare, you’ll need to dig a little deeper.
Well you’re in luck, because I’ve done the digging for you. I found my great-grandmother O’Malley’s cookbook in the attic just last week, and the stained dog-eared pages revealed a wealth of information. This is stuff you won’t find in your Betty Crocker Cookbook, or even on Pinterest. Now I can’t possibly share all of its Irish cooking secrets here, but I can tell you this: If you’re ready to step up your game this year… If you want your dish to be the hit of the potluck, try the Boiled Leprechaun.
The recipe is simple

Ingredients:
• 2 gallons water
• 1 cup coarse kosher salt
• 4 large heads of garlic, halved crosswise
• 2 tablespoons whole black peppercorns
• 2 large heads of green cabbage, cut into wedges
• 2 pound carrots, peeled, and quartered lengthwise
• 1 medium sized leprechaun (cleaned - see page 6.)
Combine all ingredients in large pot. Boil 1 hour.
Simmer until tender. Serve with spiced mustard.
Mmm-mmm! Doesn’t that sound delicious? Now I know what you’re probably thinking. “Where am I going to find a leprechaun this close to St. Patrick’s Day?” Well, you’re right. Most butchers have been sold out for weeks, and if you haven’t already ordered one, you’re probably sunk.
But don’t despair. I found a handy conversion chart in the back of great-grandma’s cookbook. It says you can substitute one elf for two leprechauns in any recipe. I know that means making a double batch, but who wouldn’t want leftovers of a dish like this? Also, the book says if you’re in a bind you can substitute a gnome for an elf, but you’ll need to marinate the gnome in a gallon of sweet white wine for 24-36 hours before cooking. Otherwise it will taste like troll.
Lastly, and the book says this is very important: Do not, unless you want your guests to have gas for a week, do not serve troll!
Well I hope this helps with your holiday meal planning. Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone!

Monday, February 23, 2015

Today's Headlines and Comments

I haven’t done one of these in a while, so here goes...

“Today’s Actual Headlines”
(plus my comments):


“Earthquake in central Spain shakes buildings in Madrid”
(In a related story “Arrow in center of target pokes hole in bullseye.”)

“Nepal pledges to improve climbing conditions on Everest”
(Mountain to be lowered and paved by 2018.)

“Honda to replace its president following air bag fiasco”
(Whoopee Cushion deployments hilarious, but dozens killed in mix up.)

And in local news:

“Man was posing for photograph when train struck him”
(This one should read, “World’s worst photographer uses wrong shutter speed.”)

“South Park Bridge stuck in the open position; detour advised”
(But not mandatory, so you're free to step on the gas and repeat, “I think I can make it, I think I can...”)

“Seattle tunnel machine breaks through wall into rescue pit”
(Seahawks sign Bertha to $10 mil. contract to use in short yardage situations.)


Note: In case Seattle's troubled tunnel maching hasn't made headlines in your newspaper, the machine's nickname is "Bertha"

Thursday, January 29, 2015

God on the Rocks


A man is just a skipping stone,
his fate delivered when he’s thrown.

He measures time in skips and beats.
In skips and beats each year repeats,
with each one shorter than the last,
until they’re coming way too fast.

And though some lives fly far and straight,
some others meet a different fate.
Some to the left or right will dash.
Some lives are but a single splash.

And God is just a boy on shore,
with a pile of rocks, and nothing more.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Christmas 2014

We had Christmas visitors yesterday. Isn’t it fun when Holiday guests show up uninvited? Yee-haw! It sure is. Yep, that’s how our Christmas went… The Germ Family stopped in on the Johnson’s unannounced, and they didn’t even wipe their feet before they came in the door and made themselves at home. We had just opened a few gifts when Cousin Queasy joined me on the couch. Then I walked around the house with Uncle Dizzy for a while before going to lay down with Cousin Q… I know, that sounds creepy doesn’t it? Anyway, Jeannie watched a Christmas movie with Sister Sneeze and Sister Sniffles, and later their half-sisters Hack & Cough piled on the couch with ‘em.

But it was still a good day. I mean it was Christmas for Christ’s sake… not a day to complain about. After I rejoined the gang in the living room we got out a couple coins and scratched all the shiny silver stuff off of the WA. State Lottery scratch tickets that were in our stockings. Woo-hoo! After scratching about $50.00 worth of silver shavings into our laps we won $4.00. We celebrated with a couple cups of hot tea, and watched another Christmas movie. The party broke up on the early side. I turned off the Christmas lights and we bid the Germ Family good night… But I must have forgotten to lock the door because Hack & Cough jumped into Jeannie’s side of the bed an hour or two later and partied till almost 3:00am.

This morning things seem to be back to normal though. No sign of the Germ Family, and when I peeked out the window their van was gone. We locked the door anyway just to be on the safe side, and took our vitamins.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Let's Think About this Logically

Guns don’t save lives. Guns "trade" lives. A gun trades one life for another. It conducts a transaction that takes a life in exchange for… well, what it’s actually exchanged for depends solely on the disposition of the person pulling the trigger. A life can be traded for a pack of cigarettes, or cashed in for a thrill, or it can be snuffed out just because it was walking around in the wrong color skin. The gun doesn’t care. It’s just the middle man. It looks the other way. Its conscience is clean.

In a best case scenario a second gun may be used to amend the terms of a transaction, but still the gun doesn’t care if the terms are fair, or if the result is just. It doesn’t care who is good or who is bad. It just handles the logistics… You know, 20 grams of lead at 1400 feet per second, stuff like that.

Blades save lives… Knives may kill, but scalpels can save.
Cars save lives… Drunk driver may kill, but ambulances can save.
Electricity saves lives… Lightning may kill, but defibrillators can save.

Yes, deadly things can save lives, but not guns. Guns merely trade lives, in exchange for ____________ (fill in the blank).