Stuck

I pulled out of my driveway this beautiful morning full of optimism, on my way to the Verizon Store to pay off Jeannie’s phone, and then go to the gym – get fit – get my head straight!

Seconds into my journey the Check Engine light flashes on and says, in the droll voice of a Check Engine light, “Excuse me sir. I don’t know what you’re plans are today, but I might have other plans.” Then it says, as if it’s being helpful, “There’s an Auto Zone not far from here,” and I note – yes there is, right between the Verizon Store and the Gym. How lucky!

The truck is driving fine, and the gauges look good, so I continue.

Now I’m in the Verizon Store, and the conversation goes like…  “Hi / I’d like to / Yes / The phone number is / Great / Got it / The balance is,” and I hold out a wad of cash. The guy looks at me like I’m holding out a chicken. “Umm. I can’t take that,” he says, backing up a little. I look down to confirm I hadn’t pulled a chicken out of my pocket by mistake. I hadn’t. Then he says, “Do you have a card?” I did.

Now the phone is paid for, but I’ll have to stop at the bank to deposit the cash to offset the debit card charge. Lucky for me, the Bank is conveniently located between the Auto Zone and the Gym. This is all working out perfectly.

Now I’m at the Auto Zone, and they couldn’t be more helpful. Out to my truck we go with the gizmo to see if I need a new engine, or just a gas cap. The rain flips from drizzle to soak, so I zip up my coat, and unlock the truck for the guy. Ignition on, click, plug in, zing, buzz, unplug. Good job Gizmo! And back in the store we go.

“Hmmm?” says the helpful guy, “It’s your catalytic converter.”

“How much is a new one,” I ask, reaching up to unzip my coat.

“Around $400,” he says, ”but that’s probably not your problem. You could try some catalytic converter cleaner.”

“Does it work?” I ask, pulling at my zipper

.

“Not really, but it’s cheaper than a catalytic converter” he assures me.

“But you said that’s probably not the problem anyway,” I point out, beginning to get agitated because my zipper won’t budge, and I’m getting hot.

Now we’re talking o2 sensors, upstream, downstream, bank I, bank 2, etc., and I pull my zipper up a tad, ‘cause it won’t go down, in hopes of unjamming it… and now it’s all the way up, jammed under my chin, and welded there. I thank the helpful man for his advice and leave.

Now I’m parked in front of the bank, fighting to get out of my coat with the desperation of a man trying to escape a grizzly bear. I know you’re not supposed to fight a grizzly. But this coat, by trickery had already consumed me. I couldn’t just lay there and be digested. Eventually, after a hard-fought struggle, I managed to get the zipper down to mid-neck position. Now that I could at least bend my coat collar down, I figured I could enter the bank without looking too suspicious. I think I pulled it off. Nobody pressed an alarm.

Now I'm back in the truck. Success! The phone is paid for, the bank is reimbursed, and I can probably drive all over town without damaging my engine. Time to go to the gym – get fit – get my head straight! If I could just get this coat over my head I would, but I still can’t... So I dont.

Now I’m back home, and yes, I did finally manage to fight my way out of that coat. It’s lying on the floor now, in front of the wood stove like a bear skin rug with its head ripped off. I think I’m gonna leave it there for a while – as a trophy that I darn well earned today.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the gym.