Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Gathering of the Clouds (The Prequel to Dinner Plates)

  
Introduction: I recently finished editing my June 10th post “Dinner Plates” when I noticed that it begins at the end of what was a rather cloudy month around here. Then I remembered something I'd written awhile back that describes exactly how the month began. So here without further ado is that previously un-titled story:

Earlier today the sky was blue, the air was calm, and one of my favorite local restaurants had just called to tell me I’d won a free lunch in their business card drawing. Ha! ...and I thought there was no such thing as a free lunch. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket today. With all the optimism of a springtime moth beguiled by a 100 watt light-bulb, I wandered out onto my deck with a thick book and a tall glass of iced tea when the phone rang again. This time it was my wife calling from work to tell me her car had a flat tire. Let’s review that first paragraph: There is such a thing as a free lunch …however, it’s customarily served with a side dish of karma.

“When did it go flat?” I asked.
“I don’t know” she said, as though it was an unfair question.
“One of the employees just looked out the window and noticed it was flat.”

Well, with all of them pressed up against the glass sizing up the situation, it soon became obvious that I, being only twenty-two miles away was in the best position to open the trunk and change the tire. With that news the wind gathered up a few dark clouds, and followed me down to my wife’s place of employment.

I opened the trunk to find that the spare tire had unfortunately been left in the spare tire compartment ...underneath the carpet, below, the trunk-mat, under a couple folded lawn chairs, bags of rock salt, various notebooks, blankets, a gym bag, extra shoes, a handy cargo net full of handy cargo, an emergency kit, and a variety of other stuff, all of which had to be pitched into the parking lot in order to flip, unlatch, and turn the various gismos that would eventually release the spare tire, the jack, the jack handle, and the lug-nut wrench from their convenient factory installed positions. Well this must have been quite a sight, because the clouds overhead began laughing until they started crying. And they cried real hard for about an hour.

As it turned out, the correct answer to my aforementioned unfair question “When did it go flat?” was “quite awhile ago” according to the guy at the tire shop, because all the clues suggested that the tire had been going round and round in an un-inflated condition long enough to render it un-reparable. We’ll skip the part where the money rushed out of my wallet faster than the air rushed out of my wife’s tire, and we’ll fast-forward through the part where I had to put the new tire on in the rain. Let’s jump ahead to the part where I’m back home with a hot cup of tea, relatively dry, typing this story. The rain can pour and the wind can blow and I don’t care anymore because… What the hell was that noise? Hang on a minute, would you please?

~ leap forward 20 minutes with the miracle of time lapse notography ~

Okay, I’m back again; this time to report that the hot tub cover just blew across the yard, and I’m no longer relatively dry. In fact I’m soaked for the second time today. It didn’t just flip open like it does sometimes in a windstorm. This time it bent the big metal arm (that holds it up,) and broke one of the support brackets clean in two as it sailed across the deck and onto the lawn. It looks like a tough repair to me. I’m pressed up against the glass looking at it now, just outside the window there. I think I’ll call my wife to ask if she can drive home and fix it, while I go out and have my free lunch.

...There I go, flying into that 100 watt light bulb again.
  

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG, thank you for the laughs!!
AAA

Marc said...

My first impulse was to share my secret of 'roadside assistance'. Costs me $4.00 a month on respective cell phones and is good any where on any vehicle that my wife or daughter are in. It has been extremely useful in the wee hours on several occasions. As I read further I was forced to admit that I had no council for, "hot tub liddy thingys bouncing around the lawn". I also see that AAA has found copious humor in your soggy misfortunes. I am compelled to believe that this is a woman thing... finding comicality in the males tribulations. In that respect I must add I have been in touch with my feminie side this morning. 'Watching you' replace the ragged tire, your only shelter from the elements being a mountain of trunk treasures, has brought a smile and chuckle of recognition from a fellow warrior.

Randy Johnson said...

AAA: I’m glad you got a laugh from the story, but Marc delivered the real punchline today...

...I hate to admit this Marc, but we have "roadside assistance." I haven’t called them in so many years I completely forgot! “Forgetfulness” seems to be our theme this month!

Thank you both for reading and commenting! It makes the "story research" all worthwhile.

~ Randy

Anonymous said...

OMG,you DO HAVE roadside assistance??!!...now THAT is funny!!
AAA (no pun intended)!

Randy Johnson said...

Yes AAA, it seems like this is a story that just keeps on giving ;) The fine folks at AAA (no relation) have towed us a few times, pulled my son’s car out of a ditch, retrieved our keys from locked vehicles on a couple occasions, and jumped several dead batteries over the years, but for some reason I’ve always changed my own flat tires. I guess a man’s gotta draw the line somewhere. I’ll probably still change my own (weather permitting,) but the next time Jeannie calls me to fix a flat 22 miles away you can bet I’m gonna let her in on Marc’s little “secret.”

Pam said...

Regarding flat tires, my father always said, "It's not that bad, the tire is only flat on one side."

Time to join AAA. It's only $60/year.

Can't help you with the pool cover. It's amazing how far they can fly when a good wind picks up.

Next time attach a note to the pool cover when the weatherman forecasts strong winds. In the note be sure to ask for money and say you're being held hostage by a band of wild women. Include your name, address, and phone number. I'm sure someone will call.

itsmecissy said...

Happy Father's Day Randy!

Randy Johnson said...

Pam: I wish I had known what your father knew. I could have just turned it over. Jeeze, I got all wet for nothing. As for AAA – I am a member, just not their smartest member. As for your hot tub cover advice – Just reading my blog proves that you’re nuts, you don’t have to flaunt it ;)

Itsmecissy: Thank you! I had a very nice Fathers Day, but for the record it's still raining here, and summer feels like a distant dream. On the plus side: no flat tires or broken plates to report.