Scratched Vinyl

I lowered the needle to the record,
carefully.
Bobby Pickett’s name tumbled,
like pants in a dryer;
circling round and around,
on the plastic turntable.

“I was working in the lab late one night,”
it began.
And The Monster Mash tumbled
like bones from the speaker,
filling my bedroom with sound,
at 45 RPMs.

Then it did what it always did. ...It skipped!
“He opened,”
“He opened, He opened,” ...Smack!
“the lid and shook his fist
and said, ‘Whatever happened
to my Transylvania twist?’"

Cooking with Moody - St. Patrick’s Day Edition:

Well it’s that time of year again... Tis the season when a bunch of non-Irish people are about to try their hands at some traditional Irish cooking. If you’re one of them my friend, this article is for you. Now whether your plan is to create an entire St. Patty’s Day feast, or you just need to show up at the Thompson’s potluck with a respectable dish, here are a few tips you’ll need to know. First of all: Corned beef and cabbage is not a traditional Irish dish. Sorry. I realize that just eliminated 90% of your ideas, but if you’re goal is to serve authentic Irish fare, you’ll need to dig a little deeper.

Well you’re in luck, because I’ve done the digging for you. I found my great-grandmother O’Malley’s cookbook in the attic just last week, and the stained dog-eared pages revealed a wealth of information. This is stuff you won’t find in your Betty Crocker Cookbook, or even on Pinterest. Now I can’t possibly share all of its Irish cooking secrets here, but I can tell you this: If you’re ready to step up your game this year… If you want your dish to be the hit of the potluck, try the Boiled Leprechaun.

The recipe is simple

Ingredients:

• 2 gallons water
• 1 cup coarse kosher salt
• 4 large heads of garlic, halved crosswise
• 2 tablespoons whole black peppercorns
• 2 large heads of green cabbage, cut into wedges
• 2 pound carrots, peeled, and quartered lengthwise
• 1 medium sized leprechaun (cleaned - see page 6.)

Combine all ingredients in large pot. Boil 1 hour.
Simmer until tender. Serve with spiced mustard.

Mmm-mmm! Doesn’t that sound delicious? Now I know what you’re probably thinking. “Where am I going to find a leprechaun this close to St. Patrick’s Day?” Well, you’re right. Most butchers have been sold out for weeks, and if you haven’t already ordered one, you’re probably sunk.

But don’t despair. I found a handy conversion chart in the back of great-grandma’s cookbook. It says you can substitute one elf for two leprechauns in any recipe. I know that means making a double batch, but who wouldn’t want leftovers of a dish like this? Also, the book says if you’re in a bind you can substitute a gnome for an elf, but you’ll need to marinate the gnome in a gallon of sweet white wine for 24-36 hours before cooking. Otherwise it will taste like troll.

Lastly, and the book says this is very important: Do not, unless you want your guests to have gas for a week, do not serve troll!

Well I hope this helps with your holiday meal planning. Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone!

God on the Rocks

A man is just a skipping stone,

his fate delivered when he’s thrown.

He measures time in skips and beats.

In skips and beats each year repeats,

with each one shorter than the last,

until they’re coming way too fast.

And though some lives fly far and straight,

some others meet a different fate.

Some to the left or right will dash.

Some lives are but a single splash.

And God is just a boy on shore,

with a pile of rocks, and nothing more.

Christmas 2014

We had Christmas visitors yesterday. Isn’t it fun when Holiday guests show up uninvited? Yee-haw! It sure is. Yep, that’s how our Christmas went… The Germ Family stopped in on the Johnson’s unannounced, and they didn’t even wipe their feet before they came in the door and made themselves at home. We had just opened a few gifts when Cousin Queasy joined me on the couch. Then I walked around the house with Uncle Dizzy for a while before going to lay down with Cousin Q… I know, that sounds creepy doesn’t it? Anyway, Jeannie watched a Christmas movie with Sister Sneeze and Sister Sniffles, and later their half-sisters Hack & Cough piled on the couch with ‘em.

But it was still a good day. I mean it was Christmas for Christ’s sake… not a day to complain about. After I rejoined the gang in the living room we got out a couple coins and scratched all the shiny silver stuff off of the WA. State Lottery scratch tickets that were in our stockings. Woo-hoo! After scratching about $50.00 worth of silver shavings into our laps we won $4.00. We celebrated with a couple cups of hot tea, and watched another Christmas movie. The party broke up on the early side. I turned off the Christmas lights and we bid the Germ Family good night… But I must have forgotten to lock the door because Hack & Cough jumped into Jeannie’s side of the bed an hour or two later and partied till almost 3:00am.

This morning things seem to be back to normal though. No sign of the Germ Family, and when I peeked out the window their van was gone. We locked the door anyway just to be on the safe side, and took our vitamins.

A Few Thoughts About Us vs. Them (cops, civilians, and race relations)

As I continue to read comments from people condemning and defending cops, and from people condemning and defending protestors I have to wonder… Should we really be pointing fingers at each other? We all know what it’s like to watch a football game (or other sport) where the officials seem to be cheating for the other side… Right? Well do we blame the other side or do we blame the officials?  What I’m trying to say is that maybe we’re wrongly pointing fingers at each other… Maybe it’s the referees, or even the rules of the game that we should be questioning.

Every time a prosecutor fails to hold a bad cop accountable they put every good cop in danger. Cops hold more power than the public, but the public vastly outnumber the cops so we're sitting on a powder keg, with people on both sides are throwing matches… with the most dangerous match throwers being white supremacists who continue to fantasize about starting a race war. I don't blame the cops or the protestors (though there are bad actors on both sides). I blame a prosecutorial system that has failed miserably. When prosecutors who vigorously prosecute civilian criminals hesitate to treat uniformed criminals the same way there’s going to be a problem. Conflict of interest inherently creates lack of trust, and our current system undoubtedly creates a conflict of interest in these cases.

Instead of using our voices against each other... because lets face it folks, we need cops, and most of them are great men and women... Instead of using our voices against each other, why don't we join our voices and change the system? Just a thought.

First Holiday Grumblings

Here we go again… The Christians (not all of them, but you know who I'm talking about) are circling the wagons in preparation for the annual war on Christmas. I’m really surprised that I haven’t seen a “War on Christmas Sale” yet… at some hallowed place like Hobby Lobby or something.

Hey Christians: When I say “Happy Holidays” what I’m saying is “Hey, it’s cold outside and you look like a decent person so I would like to wish you happiness during this time of year regardless of how you may celebrate it.” You can understand that right? I’m including the others. I’m not excluding you.

Now if you tell you me that “Happy Holidays” offends you, and that I should be saying “Merry Christmas” instead, what I hear is, “I’m Christian. You should be too. Screw everybody else.” And as I walk away...  your voice continues to echo in my head, “Can’t you see all the decorations? We fuckin’ own December!” and then I regret having ever said “Happy Holidays” to you. In fact, I regret saying anything at all. It kind of ruins my Christmas. Yes by the way, I do celebrate Christmas. 

Back from Hiatus

Monday Morning Musings of a Moody Old Man:

Our government represents “We the People” and… Um, is this thing on? Is anybody reading this? What?! Oh, somebody’s there?

Hey Jack! It’s fixed! The blog seems to be up and running again. Yeah, someone’s reading it right now. You were right. It was the green wires. I twisted ‘em together and it seems to be working. Hold on, I think I’m losing the reader's attention… What? Yeah, get some electrical tape, or one of those wire nut things.

Hello reader. Thank you for reading along, Feel free to muse as well. Now where was I? Oh yeah…  

Our government represents “We the People".  Multinational mega-corporations don't. So instead of fixating on shrinking our government until it’s “small enough to drowned in a bathtub” (as Grover Norquist once coined) why don’t we focus instead on shrinking mega-corporations until they’re small enough to be held accountable to “We the People”?  I don’t know about you, but this recently accepted strategy of trying to make government fail while giving mega-corporations “too big to fail” status just seems like a bad idea…And designating “We the People” as the automatic cosigners to every mega-corporate loan no matter how risky it may be seems like a really bad way to run a country and build an economy (unless of course the object is to replace a democracy with a plutocracy.)

Just a thought from me, an official member of “We the People” as I ponder why so many fellow members of “We the People” keep casting their precious votes on behalf of “They the Corporations.”