Stuck

I pulled out of my driveway this beautiful morning full of optimism, on my way to the Verizon Store to pay off Jeannie’s phone, and then go to the gym – get fit – get my head straight!

Seconds into my journey the Check Engine light flashes on and says, in the droll voice of a Check Engine light, “Excuse me sir. I don’t know what you’re plans are today, but I might have other plans.” Then it says, as if it’s being helpful, “There’s an Auto Zone not far from here,” and I note – yes there is, right between the Verizon Store and the Gym. How lucky!

The truck is driving fine, and the gauges look good, so I continue.

Now I’m in the Verizon Store, and the conversation goes like…  “Hi / I’d like to / Yes / The phone number is / Great / Got it / The balance is,” and I hold out a wad of cash. The guy looks at me like I’m holding out a chicken. “Umm. I can’t take that,” he says, backing up a little. I look down to confirm I hadn’t pulled a chicken out of my pocket by mistake. I hadn’t. Then he says, “Do you have a card?” I did.

Now the phone is paid for, but I’ll have to stop at the bank to deposit the cash to offset the debit card charge. Lucky for me, the Bank is conveniently located between the Auto Zone and the Gym. This is all working out perfectly.

Now I’m at the Auto Zone, and they couldn’t be more helpful. Out to my truck we go with the gizmo to see if I need a new engine, or just a gas cap. The rain flips from drizzle to soak, so I zip up my coat, and unlock the truck for the guy. Ignition on, click, plug in, zing, buzz, unplug. Good job Gizmo! And back in the store we go.

“Hmmm?” says the helpful guy, “It’s your catalytic converter.”

“How much is a new one,” I ask, reaching up to unzip my coat.

“Around $400,” he says, ”but that’s probably not your problem. You could try some catalytic converter cleaner.”

“Does it work?” I ask, pulling at my zipper

.

“Not really, but it’s cheaper than a catalytic converter” he assures me.

“But you said that’s probably not the problem anyway,” I point out, beginning to get agitated because my zipper won’t budge, and I’m getting hot.

Now we’re talking o2 sensors, upstream, downstream, bank I, bank 2, etc., and I pull my zipper up a tad, ‘cause it won’t go down, in hopes of unjamming it… and now it’s all the way up, jammed under my chin, and welded there. I thank the helpful man for his advice and leave.

Now I’m parked in front of the bank, fighting to get out of my coat with the desperation of a man trying to escape a grizzly bear. I know you’re not supposed to fight a grizzly. But this coat, by trickery had already consumed me. I couldn’t just lay there and be digested. Eventually, after a hard-fought struggle, I managed to get the zipper down to mid-neck position. Now that I could at least bend my coat collar down, I figured I could enter the bank without looking too suspicious. I think I pulled it off. Nobody pressed an alarm.

Now I'm back in the truck. Success! The phone is paid for, the bank is reimbursed, and I can probably drive all over town without damaging my engine. Time to go to the gym – get fit – get my head straight! If I could just get this coat over my head I would, but I still can’t... So I dont.

Now I’m back home, and yes, I did finally manage to fight my way out of that coat. It’s lying on the floor now, in front of the wood stove like a bear skin rug with its head ripped off. I think I’m gonna leave it there for a while – as a trophy that I darn well earned today.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the gym.

Goblin Stew

I'm going to the pumpkin patch

now with a scary plan to hatch.

Some little goblins I will catch,

and then their heads I will detatch,

and chop them up to make a batch...

a batch of goblin stew from scratch,

the likes of which no mix can match.

And then I'll give a bowl to you

for I am sure you'll like it too

much better than that awful goo

they sell down on the Avenue.

That stuff I cannot bear to chew!

I make a face like Depardieu

when'er I eat it. Yes I do.

Oh yes I do. I swear it's true!

And if you ate it you would too...

So take a tip from one who knows

that goblin stew mix really blows.

It's nothing like the label shows.

You'll find it's mostly made from crows

and artificial goblin toes -

the kind that never decompose.

I would not feed it to my foes!

But I digress. Now I must leave.

I've many goblins yet to cleave.

Goodbye,

and Happy Hallows' Eve!

The Wonderful World of Color

You still see ‘em from time to time - hotel signs that advertise “Color TV”.  It’s the mark of an old sign for sure, but people my age hardly give ‘em a second thought. To young people though it must be like seeing a hotel sign that boasts “Indoor Plumbing!” Most kids these days have never even seen a black and white TV set, so they can’t imagine anything special about a new-fangled color model. Well young readers, you’re all a little spoiled… Why I can still remember when we got our first color mirror. That’s right kids, I had to brush my teeth in front of a black and white mirror until I was 6 years old. Don’t believe me? Go ask your grandfather.

And about those first hotels to advertise “Indoor Plumbing,” I can still hear Great Grandma Margaret saying, “Let’s stop here Frank, they got indoor outhouses,” and Frank saying, “That’s unsanitary Margaret. Outhouses need fresh air blowing through ‘em. You won’t catch me sittin’ on one of them in-the-house flush toilets.” And so Frank and Margaret continue on down the road in search of traditional accommodations. Yes folks, today’s TVs, computers, phones, and even mirrors are all in color now, but to us older folks the past will always be more colorful.

R.L. Johnson, 2020

Highway Hazard

Inspired by an actual Montana driver

Highway Hazard

He drove it
like he stole it
and he drank
like a boss...
until he finally
put his own name
on a roadside cross.

Burma Shave

R.L. Johnson

Jerry the Ant

The future keeps a tight lip.

The past just won't shut up.

The architect that

cranks the wheel 

keeps coffee in its cup.

Miss Karma sips on sweet tea 

and waves a paper fan;

and Jerry heads

to work again

in a primer-gray sedan,

were cities grow like ant hills 

in fields of golden corn,

and ants for miles 

keep pressing on

the gas and break and horn.

And Jerry keeps a tight lip.

His head just won't shut up.

Then he runs a light 

and cranks the wheel...

Jerry, please wake up.

R.L. Johnson, 2020

#AhmaudArbery

I thought I would edit this before considering if finished, but decided not to. The following was my gut response last week after reading about Ahmaud Arbery's murder.

Ahmaud

I do not want
my white privilege.
It does not elevate me.
It elevates no one.
It does not hurt me
I confess.
It makes my life easy.
It helps me, it does.
It hurts others -
the non-members
of my club -
the white club.
I'm in the club,
though I did not sign up.
I get the benefits,
though I pay no dues.
The non-members
pay my dues.
Black and brown people
pay my dues.
It's a screwed up system.
It builds walls to keep
brown people out -
walls to keep brown
people in - corridors
to push them
this way, and that.
It replaces walls
with minefields and
calls it progress.
It taunts, it lies, it exploits.
It kills, it kills, it kills.
But it helps me.
But I want to reject it.
It does not elevate me.
It elevates no one.
It leaves me
standing in mud -
in the mud of
a shameful past.
It leaves us all standing
in the mud of
a shameful past -
and the mud is still here
because the blood and
the tears still flow.
The mud will not dry
because the blood and
the tears still flow -
the blood of young men,
the tears of mothers.
The endless tears
of an entire race
keeps moist the mud -
a mud first formed
from the sweat
of their ancestors -
the builders of America.
I step up, but I sink
back down.
My life is easy,
but my feet are dirty.

R.L. Johnson 5/7/2020

Mirror Mirror

Driving home from the store this morning I thought, I wonder how fast I’d have to go to make my side mirrors flap back against the side of the truck? I cogitated on the question for a moment – gathering up the variables in my mind – wind force, air resistance, mirror bracket tension, barometric pressure, relative humidity, and so forth… Heck, just give ‘em all a number – add, divide, and multiply in all the right places – maybe throw in a square root or two, and “POW!” you got your vehicle speed. But I’m not very good at doin’ algebra in my head, so I skipped ahead to the practicality considerations of the matter. If I’m driving fast enough to make my mirrors flap back, I’m probably not gonna need my mirrors - so no reason not to do it… Unless the guy behind me is trying to make his hood ornament fly off, but that would be highly unusual, so I figured I wouldn’t worry about that. At this point of my pondering, I was just cresting the top of Graham Hill – the perfect place to try to go 900mph in a Toyota Tundra. Should I? Shouldn't I? then I realized – if my mirrors flap back, the improved aerodynamics would likely propel me beyond 1,000mph in an instant. Well that would surely add a mile or two to my stopping distance should a rabbit jump out in front of me… not to mention I’d blow past my turn up ahead… So I proceeded home at my normal speed. Up near 288th Street I saw a hood ornament laying on the side of the road… I know what you’re thinkin’…  Man! He must have been flying!

R.L. Johnson, 2020